Your Honor, THAT, Is The Cat That Scratched My Chair

She didn’t think I could see her. She thought her black fur would render her invisible in the darkness of the dining room. She didn’t count on my razor sharp eyesight. Okay, okay, so my eyesight isn’t akin to an eagle, but she failed to account for one discernable trait. She has no ears. When I heard that horrible sound of fabric being shredded by sharpened talons, I immediately glanced over and saw a set of nails embedded in the back of my chair. The perpetrator was clearly a cat with no ears. A certain “Sasha the cat” had lost her ears long ago in a cruel cold winter. And I saw no ears. That characteristic was now about to cost her a stint in kitty jail.

I dispensed with the bourgeois concept of arrest and detention and decided to deliver Sasha for trial directly to Judge Roberta. Setting her squarely in the judge’s lap, I made my opening statement. And as opening statements go, it was short and sweet.

“Your Honor, THAT, is the cat that scratched my chair.”

Unfortunately for me, Sasha was also allowed to make an opening statement. And like the leftover milk in my cereal bowl, she wasn’t about to pass it up now.

Judge Roberta turned to her in anticipation. Sasha’s opening statement was very simple, (but very, very complex).

She said…… “Meow”.

Oh she’s a clever one, that cat. Everyone in the courtroom knew exactly what she meant.

“Who? Me? I’m too cute to be guilty, Besides, I don’t even like that chair. And I am pretty sure I have never even been in the kitchen”.

Judge Roberta shot me a stern look, as if to say, “Are you certain this was the cat the scratched your chair”. I looked back at Her Honor as if to say, “I know what I saw!”

Feeling fairly confident that my eye witness testimony would win the day for me and my chair, I simply rested my case.”

Now it was Sasha’s turn to argue her case. What kind of defense could she possibly mount? I caught her red-handed (or black-pawed, as was the case). The courtroom waited breathlessly on her every word.

First, Sasha looked around the room nonchalantly, as if to say, “What is the big deal? What’s everyone so excited about?” Then she really did it! The nerve of that cat! In a bold move of impudence, without saying a word, she sauntered off of the witness stand and slowly curled up in my lap.

“Your Honor, I object!”

“Objection overruled”

And she wasn’t finished. Not by a long shot. In a move that Clarence Darrow and Johnny Cochran would be proud of, she tilted that tiny beautiful earless head and looked up at me with her huge sad eyes. Then, like a majestic tree about to topple in the forest under a lumberjack’s skill, she let her slowly tilting head fall to rest on my chest. All I could do was sigh.

“Your Honor! I object! I object!”

“Overruled”

I couldn’t believe Sasha was getting away with it! The nerve of this soft cute loving little furball!

As if all her preening and parading was not enough, she made the ultimate move to rest her case. In a coup de gras moment, she started…… purring.

The crowd gasped. All the air had been let out of my sails. I already knew what the outcome of this trial was going to be and Judge Roberta confirmed my worst fear by announcing, “Not Guilty by reason of cuteness”

Resigned to my fate, I did the only thing a man in my position could do. I petted her.

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