My buddy Da-Man (as in “Who da-man?” “You da-man!”) is fantastic at downloading movies from the internet and he also possesses a large screen T.V. equivalent in size to a drive-in movie screen. When he invited me over for some After Eight mints and a viewing of “Crash”, how could I say no? After all, those mints are very refreshing.

I had heard plenty about the movie and was very much anticipating all the great acting provided by Don Cheadle and Matt Dillon plus many others. Along with all the Oscar buzz and great reviews I really set myself up to be dazzled. Let me start by saying that there was another movie named “Crash” released some time back by David Cronenburg. The wicked crazy plot was about people who got sexually turned on by car crashes. It starred Rosanna Arquette, James Spader and Holly Hunter. That was one great movie! I feel fairly confident that you will never see that version of “Crash” on our website as sucking bag. I generally don’t like when a movie studio steals an already used name for its movie but maybe, I hoped, it would be like an homage or something somehow related to the original “Crash”. Turns out - not.

I will admit that after having seen the new “Crash” it pains me to say that this movie sucked bag because there really were parts of it that were great. It’s just that the glaring stupidity of 2 scenes in particular left me with such an overwhelming feeling of disappointment that somebody somewhere in Hollywood better be held responsible for taking a movie that could have been a “10” and turning it into a “2”.

Spoiler alert. The first scene that made me want to strangle somebody was when the black couple in the SUV got pulled over by the white cops, one of whom was Matt Dillon. The drunk women in the passenger seat somehow thought it was good judgment to get out of the vehicle even after having been told to stay in the vehicle. Then she spewed a venomous rant at the cop. Naturally the cop was understandably pissed off and proceeded to treat her in manner that she found offensive. Now I’ll admit I don’t even pretend to be smart enough to understand race relations in L.A. However, I do get that the movie was trying to show us what race relations are really like in L.A., but it seems to me that when it comes to getting pulled over by the police the very first and most important rule is “Shut the hell up!”

I have been pulled over quite a number of times by our local police force - don’t ask. When you drive a muscle car they seem to unfairly target you like they are using some kind of profiling or something. The police here really do make unfair assumptions like I must have been street racing or squealing my tires just because of the car I drive. I can assure you that I wait quietly in my vehicle and express nothing other than polite understanding. Just like this…all my words…

“Drivers license and registration? Yes sir.”

“Step out of the vehicle? Yes sir.”

“Have I had any alcohol tonight? No sir.”

“Get into the back of your cruiser? Yes sir.”

Okay, okay, I have been street racing and squealing my tires but that’s not the point. When I get stopped, I still don’t go off on a drunken rant like the woman in the passenger’s seat in that scene from “Crash”. What the hell was she thinking? The cops have guns. You do not. I found myself actually cheering for Matt Dillon to just shoot this woman and rid the world of a one less stupid person. I don’t care what color you are or what part of the planet you live in – don’t piss off a cop! That scene left me so very disappointed that I had to eat about 6 of Da-Mans After Eights.

More spoiler alert. The next scene that disgusted me was when the shop owner called a locksmith to repair the door lock. The locksmith told him the problem was not the lock and what he really needed was a new door. The shop owner became enraged because he thought he was getting ripped off. He even asked if the locksmith had a buddy who sold doors. The problem here is that the movie was asking us to believe that the shop owner was too blinded by racism to walk 10 feet and try opening and closing his door. I say he was too blinded by stupidity. If someone tells me I need a new door I am pretty sure I could go look at it and determine its worthiness in about, oh, 2 seconds? This is not NASA rocket science here people! My dad lives in the country in a low crime rate area and he built an elaborate steel device that weighs like 30 pounds and takes 20 minutes to put in place to guard his shop. You’re telling me that a shop owner in the heart of crime infested L.A. trusts his entire inventory to a toothpick thin, run down piece of worn out wood that came from Noah’s Ark? He should have a steel blast door with 10 locks capable of withstanding a nuclear assault and/or flamethrower. The writers of this movie need a giant slap. The stress from this scene lead directly to the demise of about 9 more of Da-man’s After Eights.

So other than these 2 scenes, the rest of the movie didn’t really suck bag. As a matter of fact it was pretty good. Also to be totally fair, Da-Man loved this movie and did argue his points quite well when we discussed this movie after seeing it.

But having said all that, I still feel you should take the $5 you were going to spend renting this movie and use it to buy After Eights. You’ll likely be more satisfied.

— Rodeo