“WAR”

Yes it is and it sucked bag!

I formally declare war on the movie marketers that deliberately mislead unsuspecting movie-goers by making trailers that do not accurately reflect the nature of the movie. Take the new movie “War” with Jason Statham and Jet Li (that I saw a week or so ago). The trailer was nothing like what the actual movie was about! We are lead to believe that Jason Statham (Transporter 1&2, Crank) spends the entire movie chasing Jet-Li (The One, Romeo Must Die) for killing his partner. It looks like a martial arts/kung fu and generally kick-ass type movie right? Oh, so very wrong!

We here at the sucked bag desk, try to remind readers that these reviews often have spoilers that give away the plot line. So, I’m telling you now, if you read this, it’s all spoiler and nothing else! Don’t read it if you want to be surprised by a horribly bad movie.

It started off innocently enough. Jack Crawford (Jason Statham) and his partner Tom Lone (Terry Chen) go into a foiled bust to investigate why it went wrong (apparently a leak in the FBI). Crawford encounters a masked man (the only person apparently still alive) with a samurai sword who gets into a duel to the death with him. Crawford is saved   by a spectacular running shot, delivered by his partner Tom, that hits the would-be assassin in the face thereby making him fall into the water (yes they were at the proverbial docks – very original). Crawford finds a titanium shell casing and deduces that it was the mysterious and supposedly mythical assassin for hire, Rogue. Shortly thereafter Tom Lone’s wife and daughter were murdered while he was forced to watch, thanks to a visit by Rogue (oops, he’s not dead). Crawford and his family arrive at his partner’s home to find it destroyed by fire and everyone dead.

Fast forward 3 years and of course Crawford’s marriage has fallen apart (supposedly because of his obsession with finding his partner’s killer). He encounters an identical shell casing at a crime scene where Yakuzas (Japanese mafia) were murdered. Ah, Rogue is still alive and Crawford must get him and have his revenge! I thought at this time Crawford would assemble his team and chase after Rogue and in a series of near misses that only Hollywood could make seem plausible, Crawford would catch the assassin. Nope not even close.

It appeared that the director quickly abandoned that plot and decided that Rogue was the more interesting character. Suddenly all we do is follow Rogue (Jet Li) around as he plays the Triad (Chinese mafia) against the Yakuzas for some personal vendetta. We’re never sure which side he’s truly working for but this is actually what the title “War” refers to: a war that he starts between the Chinese and the Japanese over honor and some ancient horse statues. And to make it even worse there is very little kung-fu and karate-chopping going on. Everybody decides to use their AK-47’s and sniper rifles and so on to kill each other. Well, okay, some of the Japanese ninjas decided to use their samurai swords but mostly it was just shooting and the ninja’s died pretty quickly. And it was pretty graphic violence too. I don’t really find that appealing but some might I guess. I figure that the arc of a sharp blade that goes close to the neck and simulates decapitation is good enough to convince me the guy “died” without actually seeing his head pop off. But that’s just me and I digress.

So, Rogue obviously succeeds in having the Chinese and Japanese kill each other off except for Shiro, the head of the Japanese family, whom he saved for last, and the Chinese leader’s wife and child (it’s an honor thing). During the final battle with Shiro we suddenly learn that Rogue may not be who we think he is and is actually Crawford’s partner Tom. Apparently, he managed to kill Rogue when his family was killed and decided to have plastic surgery to change his appearance so he could have his revenge on the Asian syndicates. Only Shiro tells him that it was Crawford that told him where to send Rogue in order to kill Tom and his family. What? Then why did he want to hunt and kill Rogue and avenge his friend?

At the end we see Tom (now Rogue) and Crawford face to face. Crawford comes to the realization that he’s been stalking (albeit really slowly) his friend who has become Rogue. We find out that Crawford was the leak at the FBI and had told Shiro to just rough Tom up a bit (but apparently not kill him or his family). Excuse me, what? Oops, I guess someone got carried away there a bit. I think Rogue may need a time-out.

The director (Phillip Atwell) was either on crack or has multiple personality syndrome because there wasn’t even a hint that Crawford was even related to anything shady. He wanted to avenge his friend!!! It’s like the director forgot to tell us things that were important and then through them in as an afterthought to explain everything that had apparently been going on in his head but just didn’t quite make it onto the silver-screen. Like, oh yeah, your partner is a little shady (hint hint) so look at him for the leak at the FBI. Of course, it was so obvious. Anyone who’s hunting his partner’s killer to the point of ruining his marriage must have been the cause (note the sarcasm). Okay, so Crawford admits at the end that he only thought they were going to rough Tom up a bit but really, is it such a stretch that they would try to kill him. We’re talking about mafia types who are known for their brutal killings. Check please…that is, a reality check!

So where was I?  No martial arts, a little too much graphic violence, not the same plot as the trailer….ah I know, the muscle cars! Has anyone noticed how every movie has to have a chase scene involving a muscle car and a newer hot car? No? Take a closer look next time. My problem is two-fold. First, has no one realized yet that these cars are valuable and getting rarer every year? Most of them have tripled in value since Fast and Furious made its debut. Fine, have the muscle car in the movie, but do you really need to smash them up so the “bad guy” can get away? Why are you wrecking these beautiful cars? The car of choice in this movie was a 69 Chevelle. A beautiful and fairly powerful car (in addition to being probably the best part of the movie). But this car and the newer, product placement car (I can’t remember what it was so I guess the advertisement failed) succumbed to the Fast and Furious disease. That is, if you want to go faster just shift again. It doesn’t matter that you only have 4or 5 forward gears, if you’re in a race, you’ll always go faster and catch up to your opponent if you shift up repeatedly. Very interesting and it’s a disease that seems to be spreading to many recent movies that involve races or chase scenes. They obviously didn’t pass high-school physics.

On a somewhat positive note for you guys out there, there is the token kick-ass chick in the movie (the daughter of Shiro) who likes to threaten everyone with her hidden knives if they don’t do what she says. Yes, it sounds kinky and if it turns your crank, see the movie.

In the end, I felt sorry that I paid for my friend’s ticket (I hope he’s not scarred for life) and I would ask the director for my money back if I thought it would do any good. This movie totally sucked bag!

— Dr. J-Do